Hello,
It’s been a while since I perched on the windowsill and looked out into the world. Truthfully, it has felt almost impossible to sit down and write. After I reflected on here about my uncle’s unexpected passing in February, I got the news that my grandmother had died too. Life has since been a blur.
I’m able to busy myself during the days, but the night-time is particularly hard. I keep having dreams of everyone in my life dying. I keep dreaming of my uncle and grandmother. Often, I’ll jolt out of sleep and struggle to remember who is alive and who is now dead.
This year has brought a lot of change into my life, in a way that I didn’t anticipate or prepare for. There are ups: I’m moving to the seaside with my partner and starting a new part-time gig next month, which I will reveal more about soon! There are downs: I’m still living with grief, much of which has manifested as ever-present fatigue.
Have you seen that Diary of a CEO clip with Jimmy Carr, in which he says the point of life is to enjoy the passage of time? It came up during one of my recent midnight phone scrolls and I’ve tried to apply the idea to my life since.
Clearly, I can’t control how people’s lives pan out around me or when they end. Nor can I control the significant shrinking of the industry I’ve worked in since university. I have little power to stop the daily horrors happening around the world. (I do my best to use my sphere of influence through my work and the organising groups I’m in.) What I’m trying to say here is that I’m finally accepting my limitations as one human being.
Yes, life can be shit. Based on the trajectory we’re on now, the future looks even shitter. Yet I’m finding that it can also be really beautiful in between. If I don’t at least try to enjoy this passage of time — my one go at life — then I sentence myself to a lifetime of sadness. What a missed opportunity at joy. Why do I expect myself to live a life filled only with negativity when I wouldn't expect the same for someone else? Why does suffering come so easily to me?
Spring has amazed me more this year than ever before. I’ve been making an effort to go on mental health walks and runs (the dopamine boost is unmatched), and the blossoming trees and flowers have, on more than one occasion, stopped me in my tracks. There are beautiful things everywhere. Colours and shapes I’ve never seen before. There is so much I don’t know. So much I’m yet to encounter.
These experiences are made even more special by their temporary nature. One week, the flowers are there, but the next, they’ve transformed into something different. Before I know it, summer will be here. Much of the green in these parks may get scorched off, while the flowers will wilt away. (This year, the Met Office has predicted another record-breaking year of high temperatures for the UK.) So I try to stay still with the blossom now. It helps me enjoy the passage of time.
What I’ve been reading:
Living Things by Munir Hachemi. Wow. What a gripping novel about climate change, mass production and working conditions under capitalism. This ‘eco-thriller’ follows four recent Spanish graduates in their quest to work on a grape farm in the South of France. Instead, they end up at a chicken farm brimming with bird shit. Funny. Gross. Imaginative. I really recommend it. I was sent a proof copy of the translation by Fitzcarraldo Editions, due out in June 2024.
Glorious People by Sasha Salzmann. If you ever wondered what the collapse of the Soviet Union was like for ordinary people, this is a great novel to read. Amid the chaos, many tried to leave their post-communist countries in search of a better life. Salzmann writes about the two women who must decide on their futures, and then explores the aftermath of each choice. The stories of all the characters are thoughtfully intertwined.
Love’s Work by Gillian Rose. I was also sent this one as a proof before it was republished by Penguin’s Modern Classics. I found this memoir a tad harder to read than I expected, but felt inspired by the late author’s raw voice and convictions.
What I’ve been working on:
I recently wrote this analysis piece for Hyphen ahead of the Mayoral Election. It’s about how parts of the ULEZ campaign turned into a smear campaign against Sadiq Khan, much of which is clearly fuelled by racism and Islamophobia.
I’ve been learning how to produce a podcast for the hothouse bookclub. We already have two episodes out and I’m currently working on the third! Check it out wherever you get your podcasts and give us a rating to let me know what you think.
I reviewed Cici Peng’s ‘Visions from the Wake’ Barbican event in the latest issue of The Toe Rag. I loved the thoughtful and rigorous editing process. Find your nearest stockist on their website.
I’ve also been working on some other bits that are yet to be published, so I will shout about those once they’re out.
Loved this Diyora. The moment is all we have - it's so important to try to remain present. I am thinking if you. X