Hiya,
People were very nice to me about my essay on grief following my late ADHD diagnosis! Thank you! I wanted to expand on some thoughts I’ve had since writing that piece, mainly on identity construction and what informs it.
P.S. I don’t know if Bustle UK exists anymore, so please mind the typo calling ADHD a mental health condition in the first line of the above essay; it’s a neurodevelopmental condition which is a drastically different thing.
"What do you think you're in here for?" my therapist asked during one session. This was a few years ago, one of the many times she'd tried to cut me off. "Depression, anxiety, OCD, paranoia", I listed, thinking this was just the tip of the iceberg. These labels, they were drawn to me, attaching themselves like fridge magnets. I knew I was walking parody, the type unfunny British comedians would love to punch down.
"Well, you know I can't diagnose you with any conditions here, but I actually think you're in here for low self-esteem," she replied. I was stunned. Low self-esteem? That's what 7-year-olds might have for a week when they get bullied on the playground, I thought. It seemed a pathetic reason to be in therapy for. I felt small and ashamed. Low self-esteem?! I walked home in a huff.
It wasn't until last week that I finally understood what she had been alluding to. A friend told me they read somewhere that neurodivergent people diagnosed as adults (as I did with ADHD last year) often have identity crises because they realise they've constructed almost all of their identity from other people's approval and disapproval. Psychiatrist and author William W. Dodson, MD, estimates that by age 10, children who have ADHD receive 20,000 more negative messages from parents, teachers, and other adults than their friends and siblings who do not have ADHD. Naturally, many of these kids change their personalities to avoid criticism and be liked by those around them! Their needs and desires are consequentially squished. No wonder, then, that so many of us end up living our lives for other people's approval.
Over the years, my low self-esteem has shown up in a multitude of ways. I've lived for others' validation because I needed to know that others approve of me, and that I'm living my life right. If someone has criticised me, I've ruminated over it for years and have changed my personality accordingly. I've constructed an identity out of negative spaces.
I've been told that I'm annoying, that I'm weird, that I speak too much or share too much of myself. I've been accused of many things I've never been or done. Time and time again, I've been misunderstood deeply. Instead of standing up for myself, I had assumed that these people, some of whom called themselves friends, had said such mean things to look out for me. This was all constructive criticism that I could use to become a perfect person, one that everyone liked. I got addicted to their validation. I put them on pedestals instead of telling them to fuck right off.
Each disapproval has led to a fracturing of my whole personality, one I don't always feel safe to wheel out at social functions. Sometimes, when I let loose, it comes out unintentionally, like an ugly creature I've locked up in an attic. I spend days feeling embarrassed at my loss of control.
It's never too late to course-correct, of course, and it is possible to stop living your life for other people's approval. If it's an ex-partner or friend, remove them from your social media, there's no point in them watching your Instagram story, and there's no point watching theirs. Out of sight, out of mind. There's nothing left to prove. If these people are your family members, set better boundaries and see them less. Keep your side of the street clean. All of this is easier said than done, but acknowledging that some people have caused you deep-rooted agony to the level where you've felt you had to change your entire personality is a significant first step.
So, where does that leave me? Right now, I'm trying to unpick which parts of me are me from the parts others wanted me to be. By others, I mean family, teachers, friends, romantic partners and society. We all absorb messages about the right ways of existing in this world, so what kind of nonsense did I pick up on the way? And the other side of this is feeling safe in my whole self. I can only truly do this with a handful of people in my life, many of whom I had previously neglected for the people I put on pedestals. (Idiot.) I'm trying to own up to my shit, pick up the phone and finally put more effort into these relationships. I guess they call this growing up.
A thing I’ve enjoyed recently (because I am reading at a snail’s pace these days):
I’m a Fan - Sheena Patel
There’s supposed to be this thing called rejection sensitivity that goes with ADHD. So this may add to the damage of criticism.
Same 💞💔🫠💞